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How Do I Compete

How do I compete with the one person that is supposed to have my back? It was made clear I was to hold you up when the world weakened your faith, followed by doubt.

The times of walking to the bedroom, to see a shotgun lying on the bed. Glancing up, I see the tears streaming down your face. Kicked and feeling broken, I lifted you without ever receiving a thank you or I love you in return.

How can I compete with such insecurities as you ask me to dye my hair red so I look like your mother? After the fifth time of hearing those words, I began to lose faith in our relationship. The connection we had weakened by life. Not my life, but a life you lived without me.

A past time when an adult injured you at such a vulnerable time in your life. A temptress of an adult that corrupted and violated you at age twelve. Pain not from corruption but love that grew for her lost in a pool of deception as she left you for another.

The world saw the actions as acceptable, but I saw it as a violent act of seduction and abuse. Placing a fog of falseness that you began to believe was true. The illusions of being not good enough for a terrible violating adult, then taking it out on me.

The faith I have has turned to hope. I hope that someday you will recognize it wasn't me that hurt you; it was someone I never met. A person you should have never been involved with yet gave as I do with you, and now you became her.

How do I compete when your deception has become so convoluted that our children believe lies are truths you tell them and not reality. The whites of your eyes become green with jealousy when others say they like my smile and ignore yours. Always making sure wicked words are spoken behind my back so I can not protect myself. Protect me from the one person I vowed to be with forever but lost hope there will ever be love returned to me.

How has it now turned into why? Why should I compete with an incompetent, abusive individual that strips me from society? Why does society judge me with no proof? No facts are requested, only justified to be in the presence of someone that was a mask.

With their mask comes claws and daggers that are sharp and ready to pierce anyone that stands in your way. No like a murder hovering over their victim, but hiding in the shadows. Fraile and weak filled with venom and spite, you create drama that captivates others while suppressing the need to see the truth. The viewers are equally to blame for making choices without finding the facts. I am also to blame for picking you and standing by the side of someone who has no love for me or our family - a facade for your shortcomings.

The world you now live in portrays joy, integrity, and honor. You are none of those things, not to me, to them, or even yourself. Although I wish no harm to you because my love for you was deep, I have let go of any thoughts of reconciliation and healed my pain.

I have accepted everything bad and good with our situation and released you to live in your own created karmic life. Clear the pain from your heart so you can feel energy again. Clear the clouds from your thinking so you may gain clarity. Clear the slate from all the wrong you have done to feel passion and excitement., Only then may someday we speak again - once the balance has been restored.

*Based on an actual survivor's story to help others feel the intensity of an ongoing problem many endure and hide.


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